Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Baby #2


So I think it's about time that I post some things about this pregnancy. I've been holding off on such a post for quite some time, but I think it'll be good to finally express some of my feelings. For those of you who don't know our history, this is actually my fourth pregnancy and my fifth child. Of course technically speaking this is my second child and second pregnancy, but in reality it's taken some time and losses to get to this point. I'll try to keep the history brief, so here it goes. I was pregnant last year twice. The first with a due date of March 15th '07 (two years to the day that my daughter was born), and the second with a due date of June 11th '07. Both losses were difficult in their own way. The first mainly because it was exactly how my husband and I had "planned" things. The second because we assumed that we had carried a healthy baby up until 11 weeks, only to show up for the ultrasound and find that I had lost not one, but two babies at around 7 weeks. Not realizing that twins were on both sides of our family, it was pretty devastating to find out that way. The following weeks and months were very tough. We were referred to a specialist to check things out and with that came lots of "possibilities" and uncertainties. Ugh. I know doctors are there to help, but honestly it became so disheartening to hear all of the "what-ifs" and become the human guinea pig. Thankfully it looks like there is nothing to worry about because their findings were normal. Of course we were able to try again and got pregnant in March with this little one who is due December 3rd '07 (although I like to say end of November). The doctors are watching me closely. I have ultrasounds every month and will start going to the office twice a month starting in September. In November I go every week and they will be hooking me up to the monitors to check everything out. All that is re-assuring, but somehow not enough for me. Let me continue by saying that I feel beyond blessed to be able to get pregnant so quickly and to be carrying this little one. There are many women who try for years, or lose children only to never conceive. I know that it is the Lord's will that I am pregnant today and that I was pregnant those days last year. I know that he has a plan for my life and I am content (most days ;-)) knowing that whatever the outcome that 'God works everything together for good to those who love Him'. I don't look back on the miscarriages and shake my fist at God. I look back and see the work he has done in my life and I am overwhelmed with the growth I have seen, not just in me but in my husband as well. However, the miscarriages have changed me and changed my perspective on many things. Specifically this pregnancy. It's been hard for me to expect things to work out well. It's hard for me to speak with friends and family about the arrival of this baby. I just feel so weird preparing for the arrival of a child that isn't even born yet. I am content about being pregnant and I do enjoy watching Emily touch my belly and I do enjoy seeing this little one move all over the screen at the ultrasounds. I am content today, and I know that if things are well tomorrow I'll be happy to be pregnant tomorrow. It's the preparation that I have a hard time with. I like to take things one day at a time now. I feel the baby moving and kicking today, so all is well, so hooray rejoice! Tomorrow I'll rejoice if things are well too. I just have a hard time looking down the road and picking out clothes, furniture, nursery decor, etc. I feel weird accepting gifts for her too. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that she's not here yet and I feel weird hanging something up in her closet just waiting for her to arrive. I know this may seem like really strange behavior for some reading this, and believe me there are days I don't think it's normal either. I guess I'm just learning to take things one day at a time and to be content in the moment. That's not such a bad thing is it? I tell you what, I'm going to be in for quite a birth experience when this little girl does arrive! I've throttled back my expectations so much that when she does actually arrive and I can hold her in my arms I think it'll all hit me at once. I'll be raiding the shelves at Baby's R Us and showing her off to everyone! I do look forward to holding my child in my arms and as the day grows closer I am learning to loosen up a bit.

7 comments:

KerryAnnSavan said...

Its ok Amy I think we are all excited enough for you. I know it can't be easy. I watches steph go through a few miscarriages and it wasn't easy on her. Just keep your spirits up and remeber we are all praying for you guys!!!!! :):)

Gina said...

You may have already said this..but when are you due? I will be praying for you and this baby! I know it is hard. There's not much I can say that you don't already know...so, just know that I am praying!!!

lynnebee said...

I am sorry that I haven't realized how hard it is for you, and will stop bugging you about the nursery. When you are ready, I will be willing! I am thankful that you have such a wonderful husband and many friends who encourage you. And of course, the wild one...EMILY :-)

Just me said...

Having been the recipient of about 5 miscarriages myself... I hear ya! :) Just relax and enjoy, that's all that matters. It's ok, and completely natural to be cautiously excited. Once you've been burned once or twice it just makes you a little more... cautious. And that's ok.

On the up side... I always looked at it like this, It's so stinking cool that I get ultrasounds every month because not a lot of moms get to see that. I mean I have pics of Russell from the time he was about 4 weeks old through the 9th month and I kept them all. They're just so cool to see him in the Kidney bean phase all the way through human looking baby stage. lol. Sometimes being a special case has it's perks. I mean I had my Dr's personal cell number and she would come in on Saturdays, special just for me.

So we're an elite group. It sucks to be here, but we're elite... and you'll never get a chance to know your Dr's this well, and we actually have an oppurtunity that most moms don't. We get to see our babies in utero EVERY month...

And that's just stinkin cool!

Amy said...

I left a comment here the other day- I had a stillbirth last summer and I've noticed that I'm hesitant to commit to a name (we named our first right away). It seems like that is the last piece of the attachment puzzle for me. I go in every week starting in September, which is a blessing since I'll be the most anxious by that time.
I'll keep you in my thoughts.

In Light of the Truth... said...

The courage it takes to reveal all those emotions! I'm so glad you did though! Pregnancy is a really scary time, just facing the unknown. And I can totally understand how preparing for this baby would be so hard given your circumstances. But oh when that baby does come, there will be so many tears of joy. What a day it will be! Know that we're praying for you!

According to HIS Power said...

It took us 7 years to get our little Claire-bear and many miscarriages in that time. Lil-bear(dd#2) was a complete shock as Claire was only 18 months old when I became pregnant with Lily! They didn't believe that I would be able to carry a baby to term without progesterone but I did carry Lily without anything(they watched me closely, also) and she was born healthy at 39 weeks!! Anyway, I didn't mean to post a novel! We are praying for you, I know how difficult it is to speak and think down the road when the road has been so rocky. Prayers, Julie